


Still Be There

by KellyLiz



Category: Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-23 15:19:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KellyLiz/pseuds/KellyLiz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lydia and Lizzie go out for frozen yogurt after filming episode 100.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Be There

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from this quote: "Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there." ~Amy Li

The light breeze coming off the small lake and across the park grass smelled like freshly mowed lawn. We headed towards our favorite spot, a bench under a large maple tree (natural redheads always gravitate towards shade) and plunked down, thrusting our spoons into our frozen yogurt for that first heady bite.

“Mmmm,” Lizzie nodded. “This was a great choice, Lydia.” I had picked raspberry, orange and country vanilla topped with strawberries, blueberries and kiwi for Lizzie to try.

My own was a cornucopia consisting of six different yogurt flavors and at least eight toppings. My first bite was red velvet yogurt with chunks of a peanut butter cup and a gummy bear. “Delish!” I gave my approval. Not that I’d ever had frozen yogurt I didn’t like. Just some combinations worked out better than others.

Lizzie had another bite of her yogurt and squinted towards the children’s play area. It was the middle of a weekday, so only a few preschoolers and their parents were there. A blonde toddler squatted, digging in the sand with a tiny red shovel and as we watched, her preschool-aged brother walked up behind her and dumped a cup of sand in her hair. The girl took a long minute before reacting; then as comprehension came into her eyes, she opened her mouth almost comically wide and screamed. 

The mother came running, scolding the boy as she tried to comfort the girl. “I most likely did that to you a few times,” Lizzie laughed.

“Actually, I’m sure I did it more to you than vice versa,” I admitted. “I was a little terror.”

“You’re probably right. And we always had Jane to moderate our battles,” Lizzie said fondly. 

Our eyes met. We already missed Jane. Not that she’d been living at home regularly for months. But being in L.A., a reasonable distance you could drive in just a few hours, felt different than being across the entire frigging country in New York.

“What will you do with all your free time now that you’re done with your diaries?” I asked as I dug my spoon in my current yogurt masterpiece. 

“Well, let’s see,” Lizzie started. “I suppose I could spend the extra time working on my thesis since it is due next month. Or we could come here more often.”

“Or you and the Darcinator could have even more sexcapades,” I added.

Lizzie chuckled. “That goes without saying.”

“I take it this means you’re no longer ambiguous about his sexuality,” I grinned with a flash of my old spirit.

“Yeah,” Lizzie laughed. “I have the feeling I will have many of my video lines thrown in my face for the next couple decades.”

“You earned it, sis.”

I was really happy for Lizzie. Really, really happy. But oh, how I wanted what she had. The way Darcy’s face lit up when she walked in the room, the way he touched her, the look in his eyes when she smiled at him—even when I thought George loved me, it had never been like that. It hurt, but it served as a harsh reality check. When I thought longingly of him, Lizzie and Darcy reminded me that I’d never had what I really wanted. 

I wanted to feel worthy of a relationship like that. That I deserved that kind of love. My therapist said it would take time. Time, I had. The belief that it would ever happen was tougher.

The blonde toddler had calmed down although tears still streaked her face. Her brother, after a short lecture from mom, walked over and hugged his little sister. She patted his arm, content again and he carefully brushed the sand out of her hair.

Lizzie hesitated as she poked her spoon around her yogurt cup. “Lydia, I’ve been meaning to apologize for something specifically I said that I’m afraid was really hurtful to you. I called you some awful names, including a stupid whorey slut. I’m so sorry.”

I waved my spoon at my sister. “That wasn’t my favorite thing to hear. But I knew how you meant it. It was not that big of a deal, Lizzie. I called you plenty of stuff too. We’re sisters. Sisters can say things to each other that no one else can.”

“You’re sure?” Lizzie looked at me intently. “You used those same words when you blamed yourself over what happened with George.”

“Yeah but that was when I was at my lowest point, when I felt those words were actually true. When you said them, I knew you were using them mockingly, but it was not mean-spirited.” I had been thinking about this way too much the past few weeks. It was easier than thinking about George all the time. “The same way I called you lame, perpetually single, freaky and at least a dozen other cruel names. It was just to goad you.” 

Lizzie frowned, still looking at me searchingly. “So, what did I say that hurt you?”

I looked away. “My therapist encouraged me to talk about this with you. The reason I was so upset when you and I got in our fight after my birthday.” 

Lizzie set aside her empty yogurt cup and squeezed my hand encouragingly. “Because I tried to tell you that you should act differently instead of accepting you the way you are?”

I shook my head. “Not exactly. When I saw what Darcy and later Caroline said to you about me, I felt really guilty. I thought it was partially my fault that they persuaded Bing to leave Jane. But I convinced myself that they were stupid, and that I did not have anything to do with my sister’s heart being crushed. But when you called me energetic and said I needed to act more responsibly, I thought that you blamed me for what happened to Jane too.”

Tears filled Lizzie’s eyes. “Oh no, Lydia. That’s not what I meant.”

“I’ve always looked up to you, Lizzie.” I smiled a little sadly at Lizzie. “If you thought I’d played a part in messing up Jane’s relationship, it became much harder for me to avoid the shame spiral. That really hurt. So I made sure I stayed really mad at you so it didn’t feel as bad and I wouldn’t have to blame myself.” 

“Lydia,” Lizzie’s voice cracked with tears. “It wasn’t your fault. If Caroline hadn’t staged that alleged indiscretion of Jane’s, they would not have persuaded Bing to leave Jane. And I never blamed you or meant to make you think I blamed you. I only gave you that stupid book because I was worried about you and what could happen to you. I wanted to protect you.”

“I know that now,” I shook my head. “But we didn’t know what Caroline had done then.”

“I’m so sorry, Lydia.” Lizzie looked so sad. “I wish I had known that at the time. I just thought you were overreacting. I didn’t realize…” her voice trailed off.

I set my own yogurt cup down and clasped my hand on her forearm. “You know, I re-watched some of your videos after that whole mess with George’s website was over. And I saw what I had taken for granted before. You were always there for me, Lizzie. You chaperoned me at Carter’s when you didn’t want to be there. You looked out for me and took care of me instead of having fun yourself every time we went out. You and Jane have always tried to shield me and do what is best for me. And how did I repay you? I made that awful video about you and I was vicious to you. I behaved like a spoiled brat, Lizzie.”

“You did not!” Lizzie took a deep breath. “Lydia, you are so spirited, funny, passionate and caring. I took you for granted too, you know. You were there to cheer me up when Charlotte left and when Jane moved. You persuaded me to get out when I got into one of my introspective funks and wanted to just wallow in the house. You always make me laugh. You’re perceptive and kind and I know you have my back.” 

“Well,” I sniffed. “This is turning into quite a nauseating little love-fest.” I looked back towards the play area. The blonde girl was walking with that adorable bow legged gait of a new walker. She reached her brother and balanced by hanging on to his shirt.

Lizzie drew her thumb along the worn wood on the bench. “Something else is bothering me, Lydia. I just assumed you knew the tape was going to be on the internet. I didn’t mean to—I mean I just couldn’t comprehend that George would violate your trust like that. Even though I knew what he did to Gigi, this betrayal was so much worse, to try and publicly expose and humiliate you. I thought I knew him a little, and I couldn’t imagine him posting that without your permission. I didn’t know he was that…” her voice shook, “low-down, despicable, dis---“

“Lizzie,” I interrupted. I didn’t have to say anything more, she understood my look.

“Sorry,” she muttered. She crumpled her yogurt cup in her hands. “I know that doesn’t help.”

I clutched my hands together tightly in my lap. “Actually, that didn’t upset me that you thought that. Not that I would put something that personal and intimate on the internet. But the way I acted when I told you to just wait and see what I would do next during our fight….that was pretty ugly. I made it sound like I would do just about anything.” I sighed and continued slowly. “I would have never even imagined George could do something like that either. The shock was so huge, it was like this guy I thought I knew so well was suddenly gone, replaced by someone else. I just kept hoping the old George would come back. I didn’t want to face that George I thought I knew was just a fake and he’d now shown me his real self.”

“I’m sorry, Lydia. That he hurt you so much.”

“Yeah, well,” I stared at my hands. “I loved him, but now I feel so hollow. And I feel so dumb, like I should have been able to see through his phoniness. How could I not know he really didn’t care?” His eyes still haunted me. They had looked so caring. Or so I thought. Now I wondered if they were just empty, reflecting my own feelings back to me.

“I don’t know,” Lizzie admitted. “But you will find someone worthy of you someday, Lydia. I know that.”

“I just hope, when I do, I can trust again. He’ll have to have a lot of patience.”

Lizzie covered my hands with hers. “He will.”

I looked towards the lake. A man was throwing a stick for a dog, who joyfully sprinted after it. They looked so normal. I wanted to feel normal again.

“Seriously, Lydia,” Lizzie shook her head. “I was blind and stupid about so many things. I feel awful about how I treated you.”

“Let’s not get into the whole blame-game,” I smiled shakily. “So many of us have been doing that this past year, blaming the wrong people for the wrong stuff.”

“I am really grateful I’ve been able to get to know you better,” Lizzie told her. “As painful as this has been, I’m so happy spending more time with you.”

“Me too. I’m looking forward to coming to San Fran a lot to see you this summer.” I said. “You know, you and Darcy are a lot alike. Both of you have been more worried about protecting your sisters and friends than watching out for yourselves. Your poor kids will need their Aunt Lydia to keep from being coddled to death.”

“Let’s not jump too far ahead of ourselves. William and I have dating less than two weeks.” Lizzie said, but her smile admitted she liked the thought of kids with him. I doubted she even knew how deep in she was. “Do you have any plans for what you want to do after you get your Associate’s degree in June?”

“I’ve been thinking about that,” I replied. “I want to be a social worker. I’d especially like to work with teen-age girls with self-esteem issues. I signed-up to volunteer at a halfway house for teen-agers with drug and alcohol abuse problems, and I’ve applied to a few universities.” The blonde girl was now squatting next to her brother who was carefully building a hill made of sand. Her chubby arm was reaching out to use her shovel and dig more sand for her brother’s hill. She could be hurt someday by some asshole she trusted. She could question everything she’d ever done. She could lose her sense of self, her drive and her confidence as the black fog of depression beat her down. If I could help even one girl heal, maybe all this pain would have been worth it.

“That’s great, Lydia!” Lizzie beamed and gave me a hug. “You’ll be wonderful.”

“I talked to a few advisers in Social Work programs. I’m using what happened to me in my admissions essay. They like applicants who have had issues in their past. And I’ve signed up for a Psychology class this summer, the only prerequisite I haven’t taken yet.” I said. The little girl had found a cigarette butt in the sand and was holding it out to her brother. Her mother dashed over and took it from her, pulling a sanitized tissue from one of those mommy packs. I was glad my mom didn’t know what had happened to me. It must be horrible to not be able to protect your daughter. I’d burdened enough of my family. My dad still looked at me with a strange guilt in his eyes. I’d caused Jane to lose her job and Lizzie to leave Darcy and her independent study. They had dropped everything for me. I hadn’t even had to ask. I would never forget that. “I think I’m becoming more like you, Lizzie. Look at me, researching and getting prepared. I’m halfway to nerdsville.”

Lizzie laughed. “Welcome to my world. I love you, Lydia.”

“Me too,” I sighed. “Your geeky boyfriend’s not so bad either. He was so embarrassed when I thanked him for taking down that website, it was kind of sweet.” The little girl had wandered away from her brother and was trying to navigate the cement curb that circled the sand area. Her brother walked over and took her hand, helping her step over the curb. She started walking towards the tot-lot and her brother followed a short distance behind her. It made tears prick behind my eyes for some reason.

“I love how much closer we are now. But I miss the old snarky Lydia sometimes. Don’t lose her, okay?” Lizzie bumped my shoulder as we gathered our garbage and started to walk towards the car.

I smiled inwardly. She might regret giving me permission. Not that I normally need permission. But we had been sickeningly nice to each other lately. “You know my bedroom is right across the hall from yours, right? And our house has thin walls.”

I watched her work it out quickly. Lizzie’s face turned beet red. “Oh no.”

“That’s not what I heard you say. More than once.” I snickered. “I’m just saying, when Darcy gets your groove on, turn on some music or something.”

“We didn’t think anyone was home!” It was kind of cute seeing Lizzie flummoxed for a change.

“Obviously, you were way too, uh, occupied to hear me come home although I wasn’t even trying to be quiet. It’s a good thing you two were usually at Netherfield when Darceface was here last week, or I wouldn’t have got much sleep.” This was fun. I had missed teasing Lizzie.

Lizzie groaned. “If I tell William, he may never be able to look at you in the eyes again.” 

We had reached the car and I waited until we were in our seats and had closed the doors. “In a weird way, I’m proud. You’re kind of freaky after all, Lizzie. Maybe you’re more like me than you thought.” I gave her my most wide-eyed look. “He’s coming to see you this weekend, isn’t he?”

Lizzie nodded and grinned at me as she started the car. Her color had receded, but her cheeks were still pink. “I may buy you some earplugs. You know, just in case.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I did justice to these two wonderful characters. I tried.


End file.
